I'm Not a Princess
by macisgate
Summary: You know, I used to think they were jewels. Sparkling jewels just waiting for me. Dr. Cox and Jo have a late night discussion on empathy and life.


I'm Not a Princess

Rated: K+

Season: 8

Spoilers: _My ABC's_ and _My Cookie Pants_ (season 8) and a little for _My New God_ (season 5).

Summary: "You know, I used to think they were jewels. Sparkling jewels just waiting for me." Dr. Cox and "Jo" have a late night discussion on empathy and life.

Disclaimer: I don't own Scrubs. Or much of anything for that matter...

A/N: Hope you all enjoy this Denise, aka Jo, POV story! I've been really interested by the character of Jo and wanted to delve into her story a smidge more. I didn't buy the whole "that's just the way I've always been" excuse she gave J. D. Dr. Cox and she seem a lot alike, so I've been hoping for more interaction between them on the show. Thanks so much for reading, and, again, hope you enjoy. The song lyrics at the end are from _White Horse_ by Taylor Swift. You can youtube the song if you'd like. Another good song would have been _Damaged_ by Plum.

Best wishes and lots of love,

Christine

000

I've never minded heights. Maybe that's why my favourite spot in this place is the roof. To come up here after a long shift and feel the cool breeze on my face, so soothing and fresh. I step up to the edge and close my eyes. The one time and place where I can just be alone.

"You know, some people just use the front door to get out of this hell hole."

Moment over. I half-smile, but I don't turn around.

"I'm not leaving, Dr. Cox. I'm just taking a break."

"Your shift's over," he points out.

"So is yours."

He sniffs, and I know he's just run his hand across his nose. "Fair enough."

I feel more than see him come to stand beside me. He crosses his arms and rests them on the ledge.

"You know, I used to think they were jewels."

"The city lights?" he asks.

"Yeah. Sparkling jewels just waiting for me."

"And now what do you think when you see the lights?"

"I think about light bulbs. How often do the street lamps need to get changed? How come, even though they're everywhere, I've never seen one getting changed? I mean, what are the odds of that? I'm twenty-six, and I've never seen a burnt out street lamp getting fixed."

"Well, of course you haven't really _lived_ until you've witnessed street lamp repair."

"Dr. Dorian doesn't think I show enough empathy for the patients."

"Yeah, you'll get used to it."

"I can learn to empathize?"

"No, I mean you'll just get used to him nattering on about it every now and then. One day, he'll start giving his little speech about patients and feelings and puppies, and all you'll hear is a dull roar."

I nod. That's the first good news I've had all day.

"You know that was a load of crap you gave him earlier."

Now I turn to look at him. "What do you mean?"

"About being born without empathy. No one is born without empathy. Well, not a sane person anyway. And since you've made it through eight years of med school, I figure you can't be completely off your rocker."

"Are you calling me a liar?"

"I'm saying you and I are cut from the same cloth. Life isn't always fair. It can be a real pain in the ass, especially to children. It can take a lot out of you at an early age. After a while, it just gets easier not to care. You start seeing light bulbs instead of jewels. You distance yourself from everything and everyone and just rely on yourself to get what you want."

"Not every little girl gets to be a princess."

"No, they don't."

"You know what I don't get? He's worked in this place for eight years, and he still cares about them. Knows exactly what to say to make them feel better."

Dr. Cox shakes his head. "Not like he used to."

I raise my eyebrows. "He cared even more? Jeez, I didn't think that was possible."

"I think it scares him sometimes. That's why he goes on these tangents once in a while. He's fighting to hold on to it."

"Innocence lost can't be regained."

"Just do us both a favour and don't tell him that. He's not like us. He relies on his feelings to do his job. It's how he operates. We need him to hold on to what he's got left."

"I'll do what I can," I say. "Maybe I can pat a patient on the shoulder when I know he's watching."

"Now don't go overboard or do anything that makes you too uncomfortable," he says sarcastically.

"I won't," I assure him. No danger of that.

He clears his throat and moves away, leaving. But he turns back. "You know, I think you care more than you think."

"And why's that?"

"Because you're still here when everyone else has gone home. You're trying to learn everything you can as fast as you can because you know lives hang in the balance if you don't. You may not be able to give these people your compassion or invest feelings in them because it would cost too much. But you're giving them your time and your knowledge and your life. That counts."

"Is it enough?"

"It'll do. Hell, it's all I've ever done, and I've been here a lot longer than I'm going to admit to you."

"Fair enough," I throw back at him.

He nods and leaves this time. I turn back to the view of the city lights and the cool breeze. I close my eyes, and for just a moment I allow myself to feel. To really feel. I place my hands back on the raised ledge and open my eyes just a crack. The wind blows my hair off my face just right. For this one moment I allow myself to believe I'm holding onto a balcony railing, wearing a beautiful gown instead of scrubs. I hold my head high and look out over my kingdom of sparkling... _light bulbs_.

Moment over. I stop squinting and see things as they really are once again. Oh well. Fairy tales are for children anyway.

_I'm not a princess_

_This ain't a fairy tale_

_I'm not the one you'll sweep_

_Off her feet_

_Lead her up the stairwell_

_This ain't Hollywood_

_This is a small town_

_I was a dreamer before you went_

_And let me down_

_Now it's too late for you and your white horse_

_To come around_

~Taylor Swift, _White Horse_


End file.
